Grease Fire II

Well, the grease fire has reached it's full potential...read to find out.

After our bake element was shot I went on-line to GE and ordered a new bake element for $100. Of course the little pin which supported the element was attached, so I had no choice. The nice lady at GE assured me that even an idiot could install it. Just make sure to turn off the circuit breakers.

It arrived, and husband couldn't wait to install it. Did he read the directions? No. Did he call me at work to walk him through the installation? No. He just tried to install it. Lo and behold, as he took out the old element and tried to plug in the new one, a huge spark spewed out the back of the oven and sent a scintillating jolt through his body. Oops...he didn't turn off the circuit breaker.

The plug for the bake element had a big black ring around it. Smoke eeked out. It was dead.

So now what? I called the appliance repair place. $200 to come out and fix it. Plus $100 dollars for the element. That's $300. I know it's not the most environmentally sensitive solution, but it sounded like a new oven to me.

And so it is. And it's alot nicer. (Although picking it out wasn't so great -- I did find out at the appliance store that both kids can fit in a dryer at the same time). Best of all, mother in law paid for it because she can't have her son electrocuted, after all.

The lesson is this: a grease fire is not always a bad thing.

Thongs

What is it about thongs? Who invented these and what were they thinking? Nothing like a piece of string dividing your butt cheeks and digging into your nether regions.

I have a pair of Victoria's Secret "Pink" thongs that are cute, but they hurt me so badly that I am sore 3 or 4 days after wearing them. All thongs cause a different degree of discomfort, but I can never remember that these are the worst and I continue to wear them over and over. After I throw them in the hamper, the exact memory of the pain they cause me is instantly transferred to my butt and I just forget. It's kind of like having a baby. It really hurts, but yet women do it time and again.

Hmmm, must be a law of nature or something.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! Part II

So the rest of the day wasn't any better than the first part of the day.

I worked somewhat in sweats all day, no shower, no massage, no one to bring me lunch. I got so hungry but I decided to not eat because of the great dinner my husband planned for me.

Bipolar Sis in law 2 said she would babysit with the help of Sis in Law 1, but Sis in Law 1 had to go to yoga so she would come over later. Sis in law 2 arrives. Asks where the ice cream is, ate half of the container, then laid down in the Zero Gravity recliner, covered herself with a blanket and went to sleep.

Wait! I thought she was babysitting?

Kids are fighting, punching, kicking and yelling. Husband comes home a bit early (20 minutes) because it's my birthday. HE goes and takes a shower. I referee. Sis in law sleeps. After Husband's shower, he retreats to the bathroom for a 30 minute sojurn with reading material. I am still referee-ing. After he comes out, I notice that he has dressed up. He is wearing a polo, rumpled shorts, his jolly roger belt, and flip flops. Guess we're not going anywhere fancy.

At this point, I showered. Put on my nice jeans, a new shirt, dangly earrings, and did my make-up, hair, etc. I want to look nice on my own birthday.

"Where are we going?" Husband asks. HUH? I am planning this?

I guess so. I decide on a restaurant on John's Island, about 30 minutes away. Heard it was good.

Sis in Law 2 is still sleeping so I call Sis in Law 1 and tell her to come over because no one is going to watch these kids. We wait til she finishes yoga, goes home to shower, and comes over.

I open my gifts. A painting, a watch (I love both), and a vintage cookie tin. Also, a recycled teddy bear and a note from the girls.

We leave and drive to the restaurant. Husband skulks behind while I go in an get a table. It was a table in the middle of the restaurant where I got the waiter's butt in my plate while he is taking an order from the table next to us. The table wobbles. I have to hold my foot on the bottom to keep it steady all night. Food was good. Bill comes, I pay.

We go home. Husband is "bloated." He goes back into the bathroom for an extended time.

I get in bed and read my book "Bitter Harvest" about a wife who poisons her husband and burns down her house. I go to sleep before husband comes to bed.

It's over. Can't wait 'til next year!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! Part I

This year it's gonna be a real throw down.

All the family is out of town enjoying the labor day holiday. I am stuck here, in town, working on Diva 1's science project. Here are all the great ways I am celebrating the day before my birthday and the actual birthday day itself (birthdays get dragged out around our house, that is, everyone's except mine).

Day before birthday:

1. Was called a "sour bitch" before noon because husband was still in bed at 11:00 am and I said "when are you getting up, lazybones?"

2. We had a power outage for 5 hours in the morning because of a storm. Husband says"I am so used to utilities being turned off around here, it probably did get cut off". He makes me get up and call the power company.

3. I did 5 loads of laundry, and ironed at least 10 shirts and pants.

4. I made everyone breakfast: scrambled eggs, bacon, grits, coffee and juice.

5. Helped Diva 1's with her science project, "My Summer" essay, reading log, and spelling.

6. Planted a tea olive tree in the back yard.

7. Got into the vodka at 4:45 pm.

8. No one planned dinner, so husband grilled hot dogs (at least they were kosher and we had dijon mustard). Sis in Law 1 and 2 come over. Sis in Law 2 is bipolar and she didn't eat because she is fasting and praying to release the devil that lives on her back. So she just watched.

9. Diva 1 gets a fever.

10. Both Diva 1 & 2 come downstairs at 2:22 am and can't sleep. I go upstairs with them and sleep with both of them in a 7/8 bed (a bit bigger than a single, but smaller than a double.)

Birthday Day

1. Diva 1 still has a fever so she stays home, which means I have to stay home.

2. Diva 2 cries all the way to school because she is scared to walk in by herself.

3. Dog throws up in the living room and Diva 1 steps in it.

4. I am working on my 3rd load of laundry and trying to work at my business which supports this whole family.

4. The Happy Birthdays wishes I've gotten so far today are from the guy I bought some life insurance from and the car dealer where I got my car (pre-recorded).

Diva 1 is home and digging into everything and it's only 12:45 pm. I am sure the rest of the day will bring some other interesting stuff which I will post in Part II.

Grease Fire

Never mind that I made a delicious Sunday dinner of baby back ribs, home made macaroni and cheese, fresh salad with Amish blue cheese crumbles, and a delightful syrah. Never mind that I was feeling accommodating and invited sister-in-law over. And never mind that he had a wonderful baby back rib lunch for two days.

All that matters is when I preheated the oven several nights later, there were some drippings from the ribs in the bottom of the oven that caught on fire. Yes, it did smoke up the kitchen and set the smoke detector off (which was easily turned off with a little fanning), and yes, it burned a little piece of the oven bake element off (which I am replacing through a call to GE).

For all of that I am a "dumbass" that "doesn't think", and am incapable of "doing anything right." Sorry, but my OCD tendencies aren't as finely honed as his. If all I had to do was go to work, I am sure I'd be much more tuned in.